People, Garbage, Farming, and Friendships

People have garbage. If you’re going to build enduring professional relationships, never forget this fact. Just like the systems we implement have technical debt, people have relational debt. And unlike our technical systems, we don’t have the tools we need to understand our colleagues’ inner workings. In truth, we shouldn’t try. People are sovereign over themselves, and many coworkers relish the relational distance and clear objectives of work. Many enjoy respite from otherwise chaotic lives and have no desire to build relational ties.

The analogies we embrace have a powerful impact on how we view the world. Professional relationships are more like farming and less like engineering. Farmers do their best to create circumstances in which crops can grow. Well-timed fertilizing, planting, harvesting, crop rotation, and care increase the chances of a bountiful harvest. However, even if the farmer does everything right, crops fail. Drought scorches. Waters rise. Pests invade, and fire rages. Just as a farmer cannot force crops to grow, we cannot force great professional relationships.

What tools do we use to create space for meaningful professional interactions? Begin with reciprocity. Reciprocity is a relational give-and-take whereby individuals come to know one another and understand the relationship’s boundaries. To be effective, you will need a degree of self-awareness, patience, and careful observation undergirded with competence and respect.

It’s not about you

Pay attention as you’re interacting with colleagues. When you ask a question, how does your peer respond? Do they offer a simple one-word answer, do they keep it strictly professional, or do they respond with personal detail? These are clues. Follow them and mirror the behavior of your peer. If they are strictly professional, stay professional. If they share stories about their cats or their kids, respond appropriately. The key is to respect your peer’s cues and to allow any relationship to build organically.

Focus on reciprocity more than you focus on being heard. You will have a chance to make your case — eventually. Interact with peers at the same relational level they interact with you. Know where you’re comfortable and where you’re not. Don’t overshare, even if your peer does. Stay in a realm where you can be authentic. You’re growing a garden rather than digging a trench.

You are not in control

Another important quality you need to build lasting professional relationships is open-handedness. Open-handedness is the act of accepting a person and relationship as-is. It’s a willingness to have productive interactions with a person on the level with which they’re comfortable. Open-handedness resists the urge to control, force, or manipulate. It comes to every conversation clear-eyed.

Most importantly, open-handedness doesn’t demand any relational depth at all. If your peer wants to do their job and go home, you’re okay with that. You don’t expect anything other than excellent work. Let people be and don’t judge them for it.

To be genuinely open-handed in your relationships, you must relinquish control and expectations. Engage with others in ways you are comfortable, do your work, and let the seeds that will grow, grow. Many won’t.

Don’t look for short-cuts

For those of us who spend our careers working with systems that behave prescriptively in every conceivable scenario, people are hard. We rarely understand ourselves, and we certainly do not understand our colleagues. We may want stronger relationships or more indirect influence within our organizations but do not know where to start. There are no short-cuts. We can begin today by building a respectful foundation for growth with reciprocity and open-handedness.